Helping people make effective apologies is part of being a mediator and conflict coach, so it\u2019s instructive to evaluate apologies. We had another public example this week from former CIA Director General David Petraeus, who began his speech to a group of veterans Tuesday with these prepared words:<\/p>\n
\u201cNeedless to say, I join you keenly aware that I am regarded in a different light now than I was a year ago. I am also keenly aware that the reason for my recent journey is my own doing. Please allow me to begin my remarks this evening by reiterating how deeply I regret \u2014 and apologize for \u2014 the circumstances that led to my resignation from the CIA and caused such pain for my family, friends and supporters. I know that I can never fully assuage the pain that I inflicted on those closest to me, and on a number of others. I can, however, try to move forward in a manner that is consistent with the values to which I subscribed before slipping my moorings and, as best as possible, to make amends to those I have hurt and let down.”<\/p>\n
A good apology has at least three essential elements: Responsibility, Regret, and Remedy. See, e.g., Beverly Engel, The Power of Apology. (John Wiley & Sons: 2001) pp. 66-68. This apology meets these, although it\u2019s rather vague on the remedy. But somehow this apology leaves me empty: does he really get it?<\/p>\n
A more detailed yardstick for measuring effective apologies is Peacemaker Ministries\u2019 \u201c7 A\u2019s of Confession<\/a>.\u201d He \u201cAddressed everyone involved,\u201d and he \u201cAvoided \u2018if,\u2019 \u2018but,\u2019 and \u2018maybe.\u2019\u201d But he fell a little short on other criteria: His is actually better than most public apologies, and he doesn\u2019t owe the public the same level of detail that he owes his family. This is rather a lesson in how to construct an effective apology that truly will bring healing after offense.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Helping people make effective apologies is part of being a mediator and conflict coach, so it\u2019s instructive to evaluate apologies. We had another public example this week from former CIA Director General David Petraeus, who began his speech to a group of veterans Tuesday with these prepared words: \u201cNeedless to say, I join you keenly […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-115","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-apologies"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/abfifer.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/115","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/abfifer.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/abfifer.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/abfifer.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/abfifer.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=115"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/abfifer.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/115\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":120,"href":"http:\/\/abfifer.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/115\/revisions\/120"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/abfifer.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=115"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/abfifer.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=115"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/abfifer.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=115"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n– \u201cAdmit specifically\u201d \u2013 For what exactly is he apologizing? Does he know what he did wrong? \u201cslipping my moorings\u201d is a great metaphor, but how did that happen? Until he gets to the root of it, how can we be sure it won\u2019t happen again?
\n– \u201cAcknowledge the hurt\u201d \u2013 Does he fully understand the impact of his transgression? Speaking to veterans, he might have acknowledged tarnishing the military\u2019s reputation. One commentator, Robin Abcarian <\/a>of the LA times, points out that another consequence is reinforcement of the perception that a man and woman cannot work together platonically.
\n– \u201cAlter behavior\u201d \u2013 What exactly is he going to do to make sure this doesn\u2019t happen again? Obviously, \u201ctrying\u2026 to\u201d behave \u201cconsistent with the values to which I subscribed before\u201d wasn\u2019t enough in the past, so what\u2019s different now?<\/p>\n