When You Should Not Say You’re Sorry

Interesting blog by Amy Sereday recently on mediate.com regarding apologies: sometimes, saying “I’m sorry” is not the best thing to say. Some people over-use “I’m sorry,” as if they’re apologizing for things for which they’re actually not sorry and indeed may have no control over. Her example was saying you’re sorry after receiving unfair or inaccurate criticism, to which a better response would be an expression of gratitude.

A better example of when one shouldn’t say “sorry” is when the listener has no responsibility for the speaker’s lament. If the speaker complains that she’s cold and her colleague replies that she’s “sorry,” it diminishes the effectiveness of “sorry.” What the colleague really means is that she’s sad, or sympathetic, or some other emotion. “Sorry” doesn’t really help here.

It’s a good reminder to us that, although we may not say “sorry” when we should, we may also be using it where it’s not the most appropriate word. If you disagree with me, I’m sad, and I feel badly for you, but I’m not sorry.

I Apologize for Being 14

Shortly after winning the Heisman Trophy this weekend, football player Kyler Murray issued an apology for tweets he had written a few years ago, that were considered by some as “anti-gay.”

Here’s Murray’s apology:

“I apologize for the tweets that have come to light tonight from when I was 14 and 15. I used a poor choice of word that doesn’t reflect who I am or what I believe. I did not intend to single out any individual or group.”

As an apology, this one’s not bad. He takes responsibility, distances himself from the offensive behavior, explains his intentions, and doesn’t say too much. He couldn’t resist pointing out that these tweets were “from when I was 14 and 15,” implying that they are (a) at least six years old, and (b) should not be held against him since he was an adolescent at the time. But he doesn’t include the deadly “but” (“but, c’mon guys, I was just 14 or 15!”). He doesn’t use the magic word “sorry,” but he does use the word “apologize.”

And it was issued swiftly.

The bigger question is whether adults should ever have to apologize for anti-[fill-in-the-blank] comments made in their adolescence. Almost by definition, adolescents say provocative things. Should we apologize for being adolescent?

Or maybe the apology is exactly the right tool to help us shake off our past and clear the path forward. If this is the last we hear of Mr. Murray’s feelings towards gay people, it will prove this point.

This incident occurred so close to Kevin Hart’s withdrawal from hosting the Academy Awards that we can’t help but compare the responses. Like Mr. Murray, Mr. Hart was discovered to have made anti-gay comments in his past. Rather than apologize, Mr. Hart pointed out the obvious, that we all evolve in our views so we shouldn’t be judged by past comments. What would’ve happened if Mr. Hart had instead issued a simple apology, a la Mr. Murray?

Or have we just gone too far in our insistence on an apology?

For the Sins of Our Fathers

Can  we apologize for the sins of our grandfathers and grandmothers? Should we?

The answers to both questions was “yes” at a lawyers conference in Berlin this fall.

Brent McBurney, president and CEO of Advocates International, reports the amazing work that God did during the gathering of Christian lawyers from across Europe. The conference, “50 Nations – 1 Fellowship,”  co-led this year by the Lawyers’ Christian Fellowship (UK) and Christ und Jurist (Germany), was attended by over 200 lawyers, judges and law students from across Europe.

As Brent tells it in his November newsletter, the first day of the conference was devoted to prayer. On the second day, the keynote speaker, Judge Peter Gegenwart, admitted to the audience that his grandfather was a judge during the Nazi regime, and Peter asked for forgiveness, on behalf of himself, his family, and his nation. In response, Teresa Conradie, of South Africa, came to the podium to offer forgiveness on behalf of her own family and nation. Her grandfather had died during World War II fighting against the Nazis in Europe. Brent reports that there was not a dry eye in the room.

I admit that I’m a little skeptical of apologies and forgiveness on behalf of ancestors. I haven’t quite worked out the theology of that. But it sounds like the Spirit of God was definitely present among these Christian lawyers, enabling them to experience a new level of reconciliation. This has opened my eyes to the possible benefit of seeking and extending forgiveness for sins for which we are not personally responsible.

On Friday afternoon of the Christian lawyers’ conference, the group visited the Sachsenhausen Labor Camp, where Judge Gegenwart prayed a Prayer of Repentance, a way of trying to make amends for the sins of our fathers.  

Restorative Justice in Murder Cases

The New Orleans District Attorney’s office is implementing restorative justice to resolve murder cases. It’s been used to induce a plea agreement for one murderer, and reduce the sentence of another.

Jeremy Burse was just 15 in 2010 when he and his friend Anthony Davis, 16, tried to rob a security guard. Burse shot at the fleeing security guard and the bullet ricocheted, striking and killing Davis. Burse was sentenced to life without parole, but the U.S. Supreme Court held that life sentences for juvenile offenders were unconstitutional, so the Orleans Parish DA office decided to use a process it termed mediation to review Burse’s sentence.

The mediation involved Burse, by then 21, his attorney, his family, victim Anthony Davis’s mother Gilda Davis, and Assistant DA Laura Rodrigue, who heads the restorative justice unit for the Orleans Parish DA office. Apparently after an emotional half-day meeting, they all agreed to recommend that Burse plead to an amended charge of manslaughter and receive a 25-year sentence for that. The judge agreed.

Gilda Davis said afterwards that Burse had offered a tearful apology during the mediation.

In an earlier case, a process called mediation was used to induce a defendant to plead guilty to manslaughter on the day his murder trial was scheduled to begin. The defendant, Cornell Augustine, was remorseful, and the victim’s family was willing to consider forgiveness over vengeance, so Assistant DA Rodrigue thought this might be a good case for mediation. The defendant and his attorney met with the DA and the victim’s family to discuss a plea deal. The defendant could have faced life in prison if convicted of murder; instead he was sentenced to 30 years on the manslaughter conviction.

The articles on these mediations imply that the DA was herself the mediator between the offender and the victim’s family—but of course the DA is hardly neutral, so it’s not clear to me that this is really mediation. It may be an expanded guilty-plea negotiation, or more like a 3-way negotiation, since the DA’s interests don’t align perfectly with the victim’s family. Typically mediation has been used in the criminal context only post-conviction, to determine sentencing, and never in cases involving violent crimes. Even if this isn’t quite mediation, it’s interesting to see an alternative approach being used in criminal cases to everyone’s satisfaction.  

 

Apology and Humor

Incorporating humor with an apology is risky. If anyone could pull it off, it’d be a cast member of Saturday Night Live, right? But even Pete Davidson, after a few lame comments, delivered a straight public apology Saturday night for mocking Congressman-elect Lt. Com. Dan Crenshaw on “Weekend Update” last week. The apology met the basic criteria of taking responsibility for a specific action, and saying those magic words, “I’m sorry.” It was almost a relief to then see Mr. Crenshaw appear on the show and dish it back to Mr. Davidson with some humorous lines. Given that this was Veteran’s Day weekend, it was appropriate for Mr. Crenshaw to sum up with a sober encouragement that we honor all veterans. To cap it off, Mr. Crenshaw noted that Mr. Davidson’s father was a first-responder who died in 9/11. Note that it was the one forgiving, not the one apologizing, who used humor effectively; but the offender had to be willing to laugh at himself, and Davidson was.