An article in this week’s New York Times describes “How to Ask for Forgiveness, in Four Steps.” The four steps are: Admit vulnerability (which includes taking responsibility, and acknowledging the impact that one’s offense had on others); Apologize; Ask for forgiveness; and Practice forgiving.

These are good reminders that there’s a process to asking for forgiveness–it’s not just one thought or sentence. Others have developed lists like this, but I’ve not seen “vulnerability” on them — and yet it is a helpful way to summarize the posture of the one who needs forgiving.

It’s interesting that the author, Bruce Feiler, lists “apology” as one element of his overall topic of “asking for forgiveness.” I’ve done the opposite: I consider “good apology” to be the heading, and “ask for forgiveness” to be one of its components. My main reason is to keep “apology” distinct from “forgiveness.” The offender gives an apology; the victim’s response is forgiveness. It’s easy to confuse the two, and the phrase “ask for forgiveness” can do that, leading the offender to focus on the victim’s obligation to forgive, instead of on the offender’s duty to apologize. In fact, when I first saw the title of this article, I thought it was about forgiveness.

I especially like the reminder, “How do you get to forgiveness? Practice.” We’re not good at apologizing or forgiving — I know from my work that I’m not alone in saying this — , and our relationships would be healthier if we did this more often. Moreover, as the author hints, there is a spiritual dimension to asking for, and receiving, forgiveness. It is both right and good.