Two More Public Apologies

A couple more public apologies in the media recently:

Donald Sterling, owner of the NBA basketball team the Los Angeles Clippers, made racist comments to a girlfriend last month that became public. His attempt in a CNN interview last week to apologize ended up making things worse—as bad apologies will do.

It started out well: “I made a terrible mistake. I’m here to apologize. I’m asking for forgiveness. I’ll never do it again.” These are essential components of an effective apology. But he made a mistake common to many of us when we attempt to apologize: he kept talking. The best thing to do after a good apology is to stop talking and wait. In fact, Peacemaker Ministries recommends that the apology end with a question rather than a statement; the question is, “Will you forgive me?”

Yesterday, South Korean President Park Geun-hye apologized for her government’s role in the ferry disaster last month that killed over 300 people. “As the President who should be responsible for people’s life and security, I am sincerely apologizing to the people for having to suffer pain,” she said. “The final responsibility for not being able to respond properly lies on me.” Taking responsibility is an important component of a good apology. Another is to do something to ensure the offense won’t happen again—as Peacemaker Ministries calls it, “Alter behavior.” President Park’s speech included her decision to dismantle the Coast Guard, recognizing that its current structure impeded the search and rescue process. So her apology isn’t bad – although probably not enough for the grieving families.

The benefit of critiquing public apologies is to reflect on what makes an effective apology – and what doesn’t — so that our own apologies will be effective. There’s just no substitute for a good apology.

Detroit Bankruptcy Using Mediation

The bankruptcy proceedings for the City of Detroit are making good use of mediation. Judge Steven Rhodes, who is overseeing the bankruptcy, appointed U.S. District Judge Gerald Rosen as lead mediator last August, and Judge Rosen assembled a team of mediators, comprised of four federal judges as well as Attorney Gene Driker, an esteemed Michigan mediator who received the State Bar of Michigan ADR Section’s Distinguished Service Award in 2012.

The mediation team has experienced both successes and setbacks. Today was another success story: the mediation team announced that Detroit reached a tentative agreement with 14 of its unions. The team also brokered a deal recently with the Retired Police and Firefighters Association involving pensions and health care benefits. A setback occurred in January when Judge Rhodes rejected the deal hammered out with two banks that are major creditors of the city, UBS and Bank of America. Last week, Judge Rhodes ordered officials from Detroit and Oakland, Macomb and Wayne Counties last week to go into closed mediation to continue talks toward creating a regional water authority.

Mediation is not often used in municipal bankruptcies but perhaps Detroit’s experience will open doors for new opportunities in the future.

Conflict Free Diamonds

Many girls—and no doubt some guys–will receive the gift of a diamond today. Will it be a “conflict free diamond”?

“Conflict diamond” is a term used to describe diamonds tainted by the conflicts associated with diamond production in Africa, where diamonds are mined under conditions akin to slavery, and are used to finance violent rebel groups.

So diamond retailers have started offering “conflict free diamonds” to assure consumers that their diamonds have been, as one retailer puts it, “ethically sourced.” In other words, a “conflict free diamond” has been mined, refined, and delivered, free of conflict. Its past is conflict-free.

What about the diamond’s future? Will it be “conflict-free” once it becomes a piece of jewelry worn by a happy wife or delighted daughter? A diamond is treasured, not only because of its value, but because of what it represents: beauty, timelessness, durability, permanence. It’s the perfect symbol of a life-long relationship. Wouldn’t it be neat if “conflict free diamond” represented a conflict-free relationship?

Would that all diamonds were “conflict free”—free of conflict in their production, and free of conflict in the relationships they represent. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Guns and Mediation, Again

It happened again last week: a shooting after a mediation. As a divorcing couple was leaving the attorney-mediator’s office in Manchester, Tennessee, last Wednesday, the wife pulled out a handgun and shot her estranged husband. The husband, Dr. Henry Bartee, is recovering in hospital, and the wife, Brenda Bartee, has been charged with attempted murder.

According to one account, the wife left the law office before the husband, retrieved a gun, and came back and shot him. This version sounds eerily similar to the post-mediation homicides in Phoenix in January, where the plaintiff left the mediation, went to his car to retrieve his gun, and returned to the lobby just as the defendant and his attorney were exiting the building. The plaintiff shot both of them dead, then killed himself.

Could this have been prevented? It’s recommended protocol in domestic cases to screen for domestic violence, and screening might have elicited cause for concern: apparently Mrs. Bartee shot at her husband last year, while they were sitting in his car. She was charged with aggravated domestic violence for that incident. Did the mediator know this history? If so, did the mediator take any precautions?

Mediator Paula Marie Young recommends mediators take these steps:
1. Keep people in separate waiting rooms.
2. Make sure adequate staff is present to handle a situation.
3. Ask people to leave guns with the mediator’s secretary.
4. Get skill in dealing with threats.
5. Get skill in dealing with overt acts of violence.
6. Escort people to their cars after sessions.
7. Create staggered departures.
8. Adequately train yourself and your staff to spot and properly intervene in potentially violent situations.
9. Hold telephone/Skype mediations instead.
(posted at http://www.abajournal.com/mobile/comments/woman_charged)

I might add: consider holding the mediation in a facility with a metal detector, such as a courthouse. That will at least prevent the shooting from occurring within the building, as happened in Boca Raton in 2002, where a brother shot and killed his sister during a probate mediation.

Unfortunately, as more people are permitted to carry concealed weapons, there are likely to be more shootings in connection with mediations. Mediators cannot prevent this, but we can sure try.

Christians Take Another Dispute to Court

Josh Eckel and Tyler Mileger, Christian founders of a small clothing company based in Dallas, Texas, called “Play Hard Pray Harder”, filed a lawsuit against Josh Hamilton, also a professing Christian, after discovering that Hamilton had been promoting the same “Play Hard Pray Harder” slogan on clothing sold by Scripture Art, a company that Hamilton co-founded with his wife. Hamilton is a major league baseball player now with the Los Angeles Angels, formerly with the Texas Rangers.

At least the parties were able to settle short of a trial. Media reports gave Hamilton the credit for the settlement. He cited the admonition in Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount that, “if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well” (Matthew 5:40). But the Texas company’s lawyer told the Associated Press that his clients “were extremely disappointed that the issue had to be extensively litigated for Hamilton to do the right thing.”

Did either side try to resolve this within the church, rather than in the civil courts? Paul admonishes Christians not to sue, but to find wise people within the church to settle their disputes (I Corinthians 6:1-8). Peacemaker Ministries is available to do just that, and has trained hundreds of “wise” Christians around the U.S. (and the world) to resolve disputes between believers. It’s too bad these guys didn’t all pray harder about how to resolve this privately and keep it out of court altogether.